Author: lmd

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Nothing left

Your hand against my knee; simple, sweet, and completely terrifying. You seem so nice, full of good intent, but they all do in the beginning. I know I’m being crazy, but all I can think about is what you want from me. What do you think of me? If I fall for you would you be kind? Would I put myself in harms way again by letting you in?
And then, you kiss me. As you lean in I feel butterflies for the first time in forever. But then you kiss me, and I feel nothing. I have nothing left to give. I gave my whole heart to someone who threw it away so carelessly. How do you love after that? How does anyone love in the first place?

~l m d

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Night lives

Ink black night fades into a gray-purple as the light from the houses still awake floods up into the night. I sit and begin to imagine what lives are happening beneath each of those lights. Is one a mother rocking her crying child back to sleep? Is one a couple whose built up tensions have spilled into a late night argument? Is one a man whose feet and back ache as he stumbles in from a full days work? Is one a group of girls just coming home from a night out celebrating nothing and everything all at once? What endless possibilities there could be underneath the purple glow. And how many of them are just like me? Whose minds is full of endless imaginings keeping them from sleep.

~l m d

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Weep

Your touch against my skin is velvet, your weight pressed against my body comforts me like a blanket.
The feel of you excites me like ones first self discovery.
I want to explore every inch of you and admire perfection.

In your eyes lay all of the oceans and sky.
But, they see me as a ghost; never fully believing.
Your lips drip with love and promises of the future, but they also spew venom my direction.

There is a violent intensity to your love.
If walls could talk, ours would scream for all the things they’ve seen.
And now, they would weep.

~l m d

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I am

I am a hopeless wanderer, rooted in a town where no one ever leaves.

I am a person whose only ever loved one man, who used her love to hurt her.

I am a strong soul who has been broken beyond repair.

I am a friend to all, but a love to none.

I am one who wishes for adventures beyond imagination, but fears the unknown.

I am the girl they all call beautiful, but never fully feels that it’s true.

I am a puzzling conundrum, unwilling to be figured out.

But, I am stronger, braver, worthy of love, and more beautiful than I could ever possibly know

 

~ l m d

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Without you

I search for you at the bottom of every bottle.

I drown in the liquor, lapping at the numbing power the sweet elixir holds.

I wake in strange places, with strange people who are not you.

My loneliness throws itself against the corners of my mind, all the while screaming your name.

Where have you gone?

I drive the moonlit streets alone now.

Your ghost rides ever-present in the seat beside me.

The music fills the empty air that once was filled by your kind voice.

The billowing white clouds that once poured from your mouth to dance across my nose have long since disappeared.

And here I am; without you…

 

~ l m d

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Letter Series: Not Love

To the boys I thought I loved,

I let you into my life and I will never be the same because of it. You took everything from me but still it wasn’t enough. All the things I loved about myself you stole from me and snuffed out the light in my heart. Any time you wanted sex, you took it, whether I consented or not. If I wasn’t in the mood, or tried to say no, or that it hurt, I was guilted. You made me feel like a bad girlfriend, like a bad person. You made me feel like I was withholding something that belonged to you. My life, my body, my mind, were not mine when I was with you. I was a prisoner to you. I wasn’t allowed to have friends, spend time with my family, or work too much because it took time away from you. Nothing I ever did was enough for you though was it? Only in the moments that I completely succumbed to you and your will was I worthy in your eyes.

You broke me. I was a zombie, devoid of all real feeling. Even still, I couldn’t leave you. You manipulated me over and over, telling me this was how it was supposed to be, that we were meant for each other, and that I was your only reason for living. The thought that you might ever hurt yourself was too great for me to leave. You knew that I had been through all of that before and you chose to put me through it again. I put my trust in you and you used my pain to enter my mind and control me.

We almost ended it a few times, but you would break down, begging me to stay and promising it would get better. It never did. After months of being beaten down, abused, and drained of everything I had, I gave up. I no longer cared if we lived or died, I just wanted to be free again. But even now that I have cut you both out of my life I’m still not free. I still feel guilty about having fun with my friends. I still look over my shoulder now and again for fear that you will be there. I still don’t see myself as worthy and I blame myself for everything that goes wrong because you told me I was never good enough.

Your hold over my thoughts has not yet faded away but I’m getting better everyday. Most days I feel genuinely happy again. I’m getting my life back bit by bit and I will never like anyone like you take it away again.

~ l m d

 

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The beginning

And there we were, beings made up of both stardust and the commonness that comes with humanity. Lying on our backs, staring into the infinite blackness littered with stars. Immense galaxies lay just beyond what our inadequate eyes could see. I had never felt so small. Yet, somehow, beneath the crushing weight of our insignificance I felt safe; knowing he was nothing with me.

 

~ l m d