Category: Letters

To The Boy Who Couldn’t Love Me,

I want you to know that I understand and that I’m sorry. I know that I am not easy to love, and I know that most of the time I didn’t make it easier. I know that you tried and I am so thankful for that. But I also know that the reason you could never say those words in return is because you never truly felt them. How could you if you never truly understood the devils that made their home within me.

Part of me is thankful for that too, because I know that is how you were able to move on so quickly and be around me so easily. Even while it’s killing me, I take comfort in knowing you are ok.

I know that you truly loved the person you wanted so desperately for me to be, and I wanted so badly to be for you, but I just couldn’t. And for that I’m sorry too. I wanted you to know me, but the girl you created was just too beautiful to kill.

I loved you immensely and will always want the best for you. So, I hope you find that girl, the one you wanted me to be. I hope she makes you happier than I ever could. I hope she loves you as much as I do, only better. And I hope you love her the way you thought you would be able to love me. But mostly importantly, I hope she’s nothing like me.

I hope she doesn’t dance down the aisles of the grocery store with you, or sing embarrassingly to rap songs in your car. I hope she doesn’t call you by your middle name, or tease you endlessly with sarcasm so thick it covers the love under it all. I hope she can’t go drink for drink with you, or match your love for tequila. But most importantly I hope she doesn’t struggle to show how much she loves you.

So here’s to a life that never fully got a chance to be lived.

Forever,

The girl that tried

You are not alone.

Though this world holds darkness unimaginable

And pain that is unbearable to face,

You will not face these things alone.

Though cracks may form

And scars will deepen in your soul,

You will not fix these things alone.

We will be there.

Though you may not want to let us in

And even if you are reluctant to accept the help,

We will hold the pieces of you together.

Though it will take time

And you may not feel allowed to take it,

We will be patient with you and all the time you need.

You are not alone in this hardship,

We are here waiting to love you back to whole.

~l m d

To my sister,

Thank you.

We may not have started out in life very close; you tortured me and I annoyed you. We didn’t get along at first, and the truth is we still don’t sometimes. No matter what though, at the end of the day, you are my best friend in the world.

We held each others hands through divorce, moves, heartbreaks, and the loss of people we weren’t ready to say goodbye to. We also cheered each other on through graduations, job changes, and major life alterations.

You sat with me during my darkest hours and picked me up off the floor when I could not even function enough to stand. There is nothing I could ever say or do to repay you for that.

You gave me a place to stay when I had no where else to go. Even when I tried to push you away, out of shame for how far I’d let my life spiral out of control, you never gave up on me.

You always tell me how strong I am, but I hope you know how strong you really are. You are so driven, smart, funny, and beautiful. You have such a big heart, but still know how to be tough when the time calls for it.

I admire you more than you’ll probably ever know. Thank you for the beautiful soul that you are. I love you a bushel and a peck.

~l m d

To the boys I thought I loved,

I let you into my life and I will never be the same because of it. You took everything from me but still it wasn’t enough. All the things I loved about myself you stole from me and snuffed out the light in my heart. Any time you wanted sex, you took it, whether I consented or not. If I wasn’t in the mood, or tried to say no, or that it hurt, I was guilted. You made me feel like a bad girlfriend, like a bad person. You made me feel like I was withholding something that belonged to you. My life, my body, my mind, were not mine when I was with you. I was a prisoner to you. I wasn’t allowed to have friends, spend time with my family, or work too much because it took time away from you. Nothing I ever did was enough for you though was it? Only in the moments that I completely succumbed to you and your will was I worthy in your eyes.

You broke me. I was a zombie, devoid of all real feeling. Even still, I couldn’t leave you. You manipulated me over and over, telling me this was how it was supposed to be, that we were meant for each other, and that I was your only reason for living. The thought that you might ever hurt yourself was too great for me to leave. You knew that I had been through all of that before and you chose to put me through it again. I put my trust in you and you used my pain to enter my mind and control me.

We almost ended it a few times, but you would break down, begging me to stay and promising it would get better. It never did. After months of being beaten down, abused, and drained of everything I had, I gave up. I no longer cared if we lived or died, I just wanted to be free again. But even now that I have cut you both out of my life I’m still not free. I still feel guilty about having fun with my friends. I still look over my shoulder now and again for fear that you will be there. I still don’t see myself as worthy and I blame myself for everything that goes wrong because you told me I was never good enough.

Your hold over my thoughts has not yet faded away but I’m getting better everyday. Most days I feel genuinely happy again. I’m getting my life back bit by bit and I will never like anyone like you take it away again.

~ l m d