Hopeless Wonderings

Time is not always the answer for wounds, that’s why there are scars.
In just a little over 6 months you scarred me more than I could’ve ever imagined.
Some nights when I close my eyes I can still see the blood.
I can still feel the cold metal of your gun.
I can still see the gleam of light off the blade of the knife.
I can still hear the sound of breaking glass, still see the holes in the walls and the curtains on the floor.
And try as hard as I might, I can still remember all the terrible things you said to me and tried to make me believe about myself.
I even still remember how scared I felt curled up in the corner of the kitchen with my hands on my head, hiding from you.
I remember all the times you almost wrecked the car because you were driving erratically while screaming at me.
I remember everything.
You can paint the picture anyway you want, we both know you were always good at spinning the truth, but I was there and I remember

~l m d

I lay on the floor, carpet soft against my bare skin, staring blankly ahead.

Light pours in from outside, illuminating the dark apartment. Tiny shards of glass lay sprawled across the floor, sparkling like stars in the midnight sky. Beauty coming from utter chaos.

The strength and rage needed to make such minuscule pieces from such thick glass is almost as impressive as it is terrifying.

I am covered in glass and so are you.

Was it worth it, that small moment of satisfaction?

I did nothing to deserve this rage. All I ever wanted was to silence those voices in your head. They scream so loud that I can almost hear them when you look at me.

I can’t stop them though. So instead I lay. And I try to make something beautiful from the broken.

~l m d

Beauty and grace showered over her, and she wore kindness and determination like the best of clothing. Her brain and heart were larger and more brilliant than any I ever had the pleasure to know. She was strong, even when she didn’t feel it. She was brave beyond belief, and I imagine she could have slain a thousand dragons if any still roamed earth. She had a spirit that lit up every room like a super nova. Her laughter was melodious and her happiness, contagious. The world was unprepared for the force of nature that she was; unbreakable and pure. She saved all she met without ever knowing it, and I believe that she could save the world.

~l m d

I have always been a nomadic soul; belonging to no one but myself. That kind of existence can be a lonely one, and so I’d seek companionship in the company of strangers. None satisfied me though. Too many have tried to tame me when what I need is someone to run wild alongside me. I have a past that I will not apologize for, even when shamed for it. I was a lost soul seeking safety and love, as all the lost do.

I’ve lived a beautifully messy life, but it’s shaped my personality. So, if you ever claim to love me, you must love all of me. For I have too often been loved in pieces. I am fiercely independent, excessively a showman, painfully realistic, and absolutely insane. I am a storm of dizzying complexities that will devour you if you can not learn to dance in my rain.

~l m d

I’ve come to find that distance makes everything more beautiful.  The way a city looks, all lit up, as you drive past the skyline. The way shards of glass reflect light to make rainbows on the wall. The way snow looks as it gently falls outside your window. The sound of rain coming down as you lay warm in your bed. Or love, when you see those who seem so happy and perfect together.

But, the truth comes out when you get close up. It’s only face to face that you can see when things are cold, dirty, dangerous, and broken.

~ l m d